ReindeerHut's Xanga

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Sun, 22 Jan 2006 19:51:09 GMT

EL FIN.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 05:46:08 GMT

Well.

I'm having a bittersweet day. Most of my days are...

But.

I figured it was time to stop drinking milk out of a wine glass and actually grow up and take care of myself.

I have so many beautiful friends and so many beautiful passions... but when it comes to myself, I'm slacking.

I have to stop being so immature about being mature.

I have to take it seriously, and mold myself into what i want to be instead of waiting for everyone else to do it for me.

I'm having all these ISSUES with things that shouldn't even be issues in the first place... But i have such a hard time saying/acting how i really feel, so no one ever knows there's an issue.

I wish love would come in a form easier to see.

I wish time would come in a package easier to unwrap.

I wish problems would come sorted out, like bags of candy.

The bottom line is that my life is shooting forward and my eyes are too vulnerable to open up and see it. I'm going to get swept away if i don't FIGURE THINGS OUT.

And I really need help.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 07:08:12 GMT

I forgot about Xanga... until I realized I need to spill my guts to someone who wanted to listen and since I couldn't find anythone like that, I remembered that I had this, and if anyone wants to read it, they can, at their own risk of course.

I feel like myself. I've been writing nonstop for weeks and the words that cloud my head are being released in a crazy/beautiful order that I couldn't explain if I tried. But I'm happy, I really am, for the first time that I can remember.

Happy doesn't mean problem-free. It means that I'm too busy living to let people rip through the breath that keeps me this way.

I do feel like I have too much on my plate right now, though. My shoulders are growing heavier by the moment and I'm too busy giving advice away like candy to worry about myself.

I am meeting new people every day. It's the most amazing thing ever and I feel like I've wasted the almost 18 years of my life NOT meeting new people. I love the people i know right now, but the more that enter my life, the more complete I feel because I am seeing a tiny fraction of the world become huge before my eyes.

[Brief momentary lapse in thought... Green Tea is pouring out the sides of my mouth like blood from a vampire... but I'm still drinking from this can and swallowing faster and harder.]

I'm asking for more life, because I can't get enough.

If only some of you could get inside my head five times over and see what I see.

But then, you'd be missing out on your own outlook.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 20:23:36 GMT

Don't you hate it when someone else figures out something about you before you figure it out about yourself?

Now that things are sort of brought to the surface a little bit, I'm ready to get better.

I'm ready to change.

I'm ready to move forward.

I'm ready to accept myself.

I'm ready to learn.

I'm ready to balance.

I'm ready to be strong.

I'm ready to love.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 02:55:42 GMT

I Just want to verify that I know the best people ever.

I walk down the hall and know that I could have a convorsation with almost any given person and I would enjoy it.

Maybe that's just me, but even still... It's awesome.

I'm really supposed to be sleeping right now, even though it's sort of early but I've not been sleeping this week/end because of all the work that EVERY teacher is slinging on us in these last weeks of school before break.

Now that most of it is turned in, I feel a weigh lifted off my shoulders so at least that is one less thing to worry about.

It's weird, right now, I don't have anything insightful or meaningful or charming to say. My head is filled with what I like to call "normal thoughts"... which, in better terms, are the thoughts that consume most of our time/mind space.

Our minds are like computers in that sense (oh great here we go.) because we only have so much memory, so many gigs, only one hard drive. When we use up all that space with useless things it doesn't leave room for what we should be thinking about.

"do not conform to the patterns of this world, but let God transform you, by renewing your mind, so that you will see just how good, pleasing, and perfect his will is."

That's it....In a nutshell...I am too often disappointed in humanity as a whole that I lose touch with how much I love and empathize people.

so... here's my final letter:

life,

I love every concept about you. I love everything that you consist of, and everything that I can do because of you. Despite the trival problems, you stay constant and never cease to give me some new joy or make me smile.

people,

I love every concept about you. Even though some of you make me feel things I don't like, it's only a matter of time before the disappointments turn into laughter and I'm back to where I started from with a clean slate and a smile on my face.

love, Kalyn

Friday, December 02, 2005

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 01:28:35 GMT

whatever.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 01:37:36 GMT

kjsahdlasgfdagfklalal;axcbnm,woeruo92idjsa;xmn.,mzxnaskjx

I might as well be standing on the tallest building in Chicago with my arms stretched out to both sides as far as they can reach, and take a step towards the edge so that the gravity is pulling my heart through my feet.

I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now that I've felt a lot of times before, but for some reason this time they feel different.

You know that feeling, the one where you feel so many things at once that you just sort of become numb & you can't do anything about it. Right now I feel a little bit of excitement, confusion and anger, intertwined with pressure and fear and hopelessness... And I like a boy and that always adds something interesting to the mix.

I am only myself when I'm creating orders of words or shaping paint because all that pours out of me can't be contained.

I am a hypocrit. I am so cynical, but at the same time I love how my life is coming together in a somewhat jagged but beautiful way.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 00:18:12 GMT

There is a cinnamon candle dancing in the dark beside me. The smell is constricting my throat and here I am, inspired to write only because I am young, confused, and uninformed.

Hart's mom said that when it rains in chicago, the wind blows so hard that it feels like someone is taking a garden hose and squirting it right in your face.

That is more or less what life feels like right now. I am in a storm full of people with different plans and ideas and motives for me. I am completely blinded and I can't get help.

I'm not really a fighter by nature. Sometimes I won't even fight for myself.

Right now I am grounded. I have time to waste. Peter says,Yesterday, I pumped gasoline. I counted 7 one-thousands for each gallon. The word time controls us. There are thirty-one milllion, five hundred and fifty-six thousand, nine hundred and twenty-six seconds in one Earth year. In that time one could pump four and a half million gallons of gas. Why is the concept of time so complicated? All i know is that I began at some point and at another point I will end. Aside from this, i really have no understanding of time. the dragging week days versus the frantic weekends, do i really understand the size or span of a year, a minute, a second.... do these increments actually measure anything at all? Or is it just something humans made up to explain the passing of people/feelings/age/eternity...

God is not bound by time.

^" He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end... I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it." -Ecc. 3:11

But I am.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 21:00:01 GMT

My favorite word of the week is "fitting". For whatever reason...

Ok so, I've decided that my entire group of friends is completely different than it was this summer and in a way i miss how things used to be. There was never a weekend that I didn't go to the muse to see Pants? or Vesta Rose or Cowboy Dynamite. (I still see cowboy dynamite every chance i get, just not at the muse lately). There was never a weekend when I didn't hang out with JH and Noah and Chris. There was never a Thursday when Chris & I didn't go to starbucks. There was never a week when I didn't write. I miss writing.

It doesn't make sense though that I don't do ANY of that anymore. Summer is the season when you are yourself because there is no such thing as stress or preoccupation. It's a chance for people to see you for who you are, not what you are under certain conditions.

On the other hand, right now I have what I didn't have before. Freedom, and goals. They say that Great minds discuss IDEAS. Average minds discuss EVENTS, and little minds discuss PEOPLE. The fact is, this isn't true at all. In the scope of things, ideas, events, and people go hand in hand because the mind cannot be restricted to discussing one concept in the midst of LIFE, which consists of everything there is to think about.

I'm going to college in one year... and that scares me.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Thu, 10 Nov 2005 22:39:05 GMT

I have to compain really quick. I'm sorry.

I have been so sick all week. I have been exhausted all week. I have been pushed to my max all week. I have been crawling on my knees all week.

Today I slept.

Well, there you go... I guess that pretty much says it all. In between those things, though, I have been semi-pleased with a few things here and there so I can't just blow everything out of the water.

This is weekend is going to be so busy. I've already been asked to go to TWO shows by TWO different bands on saturday and sunday, PLUS it's TKC's birthday on friday, so I'm booked.

It's so ironic... I'd be pissed if I had nothing to do all weekend, but now that I do have something to do I'm pissed because I can't rest very much.

California update: SAN FRANCISCO planning is awesome. I'm swaying MB away from all the gay stuff she tried to plan for us. SSS and I are sneaking out to go surfing. I can NOT wait!

<3 Kalyn