EL FIN.

Well.

I'm having a bittersweet day. Most of my days are...

But.

I figured it was time to stop drinking milk out of a wine glass and actually grow up and take care of myself.

I have so many beautiful friends and so many beautiful passions... but when it comes to myself, I'm slacking.

I have to stop being so immature about being mature.

I have to take it seriously, and mold myself into what i want to be instead of waiting for everyone else to do it for me.

I'm having all these ISSUES with things that shouldn't even be issues in the first place... But i have such a hard time saying/acting how i really feel, so no one ever knows there's an issue.

I wish love would come in a form easier to see.

I wish time would come in a package easier to unwrap.

I wish problems would come sorted out, like bags of candy.

The bottom line is that my life is shooting forward and my eyes are too vulnerable to open up and see it. I'm going to get swept away if i don't FIGURE THINGS OUT.

And I  really need help.

I forgot about Xanga... until I realized I need to spill my guts to someone who wanted to listen and since I couldn't find anythone like that, I remembered that I had this, and if anyone wants to read it, they can, at their own risk of course.

 I feel like myself. I've been writing nonstop for weeks and the words that cloud my head are being released in a crazy/beautiful order that I couldn't explain if I tried. But I'm happy, I really am, for the first time that I can remember.

Happy doesn't mean problem-free. It means that I'm too busy living to let people rip through the breath that keeps me this way.

I do feel like I have too much on my plate right now, though. My shoulders are growing heavier by the moment and I'm too busy giving advice away like candy to worry about myself.

I am meeting new people every day. It's the most amazing thing ever and I feel like I've wasted the almost 18 years of my life NOT meeting new people. I love the people i know right now, but the more that enter my life, the more complete I feel because I am seeing a tiny fraction of the world become huge before my eyes.

[Brief momentary lapse in thought... Green Tea is pouring out the sides of my mouth like blood from a vampire... but I'm still drinking from this can and swallowing faster and harder.]

 I'm asking for more life, because I can't get enough.

If only some of you could get inside my head five times over and see what I see.

But then, you'd be missing out on your own outlook.

  Don't you hate it when someone else figures out something about you before you figure it out about yourself?

  Now that things are sort of brought to the surface a little bit, I'm ready to get better.

I'm ready to change.

I'm ready to move forward.

I'm ready to accept myself.

I'm ready to learn.

I'm ready to balance.

I'm ready to be strong.

I'm ready to love.

I Just want to verify that I know the best people ever.

I walk down the hall and know that I could have a convorsation with almost any given person and I would enjoy it.

Maybe that's just me, but even still... It's awesome.

I'm really supposed to be sleeping right now, even though it's sort of early but I've not been sleeping this week/end because of all the work that EVERY teacher is slinging on us in these last weeks of school before break.

Now that most of it is turned in, I feel a weigh lifted off my shoulders so at least that is one less thing to worry about.

It's weird, right now, I don't have anything insightful or meaningful or charming to say. My head is filled with what I like to call "normal thoughts"... which, in better terms, are the thoughts that consume most of our time/mind space.

Our minds are like computers in that sense (oh great here we go.) because we only have so much memory, so many gigs, only one hard drive. When we use up all that space with useless things it doesn't leave room for what we should be thinking about.

"do not conform to the patterns of this world, but let God transform you, by renewing your mind, so that you will see just how good, pleasing, and perfect his will is."

That's it....In a nutshell...I am too often disappointed in humanity as a whole that I lose touch with how much I love and empathize people.

so... here's my final letter:

 life,

     I love every concept about you. I love everything that you consist of, and everything that I can do because of you.  Despite the trival problems, you stay constant and never cease to give me some new joy or make me smile.

people,

    I love every concept about you.  Even though some of you make me feel things I don't like, it's only a matter of time before the disappointments turn into laughter and I'm back to where I started from with a clean slate and a smile on my face.

                  love, Kalyn